Umkhonto we Sizwe! (Spear of the Nation)
Independent Afrikan centered parenting and education

“Get a Man, Keep a Man”? or “Protection of the watoto”? Which one is primary?

Maadwo sistas and brothas!,

I have noticed a disturbing trend among Afrikan centered people that has created an unhealthy obsession among sistas to “get a man, keep a man” at all costs. Healthy Maatic Afrikan unions are to be encouraged but in order to build such a divine union it takes time, effort and patience. Time, Effort and Patience to build trust, respect and also to develop a strong and lasting friendship, which should really be the foundation for a lasting Maatic union. Our sacred ancestral legacy has taught us that Afrikan relationships are crucial to our revival, healing and transformation as a people and clearly if we value and honor the Majestic Beauty of Afrikan love we must take the time to let it grow, just as a beautiful plant needs water and sun to develop over time, so do our relationships. So it baffles me as to why Afrikan women (often single mothers in particular) are frowned upon, scorned and accused of being “man hating “independent” feminists” because they Choose to willingly remain single and celibate….until they meet a brotha who is able to accept the responsibilty of being a devoted father/mentor to their child OR sometimes even until their children are grown adults. What exactly is the problem with an Afrikan woman being committed to her child/children and focusing her efforts on the responsibility that was bestowed upon her by her Ori, Egun and Orisa?

Ase!

Unfortunately, in these heated debates discussing mate relationships and single parents, the well being and protection of Afrikan children is hardly ever addressed. Are we trying to tell the mothers of our Afrikan community that “getting a man and keeping a man” should be priority over the care, well being and protection of Our children? What we should be asking is: What role will this new mate play in the lives of her children? Will she secretly “hide” this new mate from her children or will he be a part of their lives? Will she temporarily “date” this new mate and then discard him after sometime?! Is this new mate willing to be an “automatic” father to her children? Is this new mate willing to “co-parent” with the biological father of her child/children (if he is present) and also develop a partnership with the father of the children in order for peace to remain in the family? Is this brotha able to handle the responsibility of entering into a union with a sista who is a mother, a nurturer and a caregiver to  her children first and foremost? And then there is the issue of whether the sista entering this union is also mature and responsible enough to know how to conduct herself in the face of her children.

laughter

Will she know how to decipher if the brotha she has chosen is able to take on the duty of being a mate, a mentor and a father to a child/children that are Not his own biologically? Does she know what qualities to look for not only in a potential mate but also a co-parent? Now let me be Very clear that these questions and observations made here are applicable to brothas who are single fathers as well, because i know many of you are out there and you all are doing a Blackxcellent job! (Much love to you all) I ask these questions because i know there are many single mothers/fathers out there and some of you are even visiting this site and reading this blog. I need to share with you all that Our health and well being and that of Our children MUST be first at all times and that position does not change just because you may have a potential brotha (or sista–to the brothas) who is interested in you. ALWAYS remember that.  I also fully recognize that it is important for us to have positive and uplifting mentors and role models for our children, especially our young boys. And you single parent brothas, i know many of you are raising our young princesses alone and they need positive and powerful sistas around them, but most definitely NOT any sista. Please BE CAREFUL because everything we do is being monitored and watched by our children and our divine ancestors. Our children chose us to be the physical vehicles through which they enter this plane of existence so we must take our role seriously, as it is a great and honorable gift we have been given by Our Nananom Nsamanfo.

watoto

We must create supportive extended family systems for single mothers AND fathers! in our global Afrikan communities so that when such decisions are being made we have those to guide and counsel us on how to make the transition wisely and carefully. We cannot afford to make any careless and sporadic mistakes with our children. Family development must be encouraged and supported by any means necessary, however, we should not be irrational or overly emotional about it. We must maintain our dignity, respect and honor as Afrikan mothers and fathers. Our focus on family development must always be centered within the context of Our family, meaning that, How will this Afrikan man/woman that i am interested in contribute to my already existing family unit? What personal qualities and values do they have that can assist my family in inter-generational nation-building? How will they be able to encourage my child/children in the development of righteous Afrikan character? What experience do they have being responsible for Afrikan children? Why do i bring this topic to our attention today you ask? Because i see that when Afrikan unions are being encouraged the topic of our children and their role in the formation of Maatic relationships is often never mentioned. This is not only disturbing it is also insulting to witness as an Afrikan mother. And worst of all, it also shows me that as Afrikan people our children seem to be of secondary importance to us, the first obligation in the Afrikan centered community to me seems to be “getting a man…keeping a man/woman”. Sorry y’all i am here to say that we need to re-evaluate our position and re-store the divine values of our Egun, which told us that “children are the wealth of a nation”.

black family

If you are a single parent (mother or father) and you are not sure whether your prospective mate can be a co-parent to your child, please take your time, as long as you need. Regardless of what people around you may “think” or “say”….do what is best for you and your family FIRST. As long as you are living in alignment with your destiny and purpose as an Afrikan person what does it matter what other people think about the way you choose to maintain honor in your family? Celibacy is not a curse, it was actually a respected way of life for our divine ancestors! You will know when you have met your divine mate, because the Egun will show you who they are by the way they respect and honor your child/children. We must all remember that protecting oneself and ones’ children from unworthy members of our community (and they do exist out here, in the most unlikely places as well!…) is not something to be looked down upon.

Afrikan family

Afrikan people who truly stand for the restoration of divine ancestral values must know and realize that the promotion of healthy, vibrant and sacred Afrikan relationships is NOT the same as “ANY Afrikan relationship will do”. There is a very great and profound difference. We must recognize this, acknowledge our negative socialization and change our behaviour by transforming what we teach our young women and children about relationships. Right now it seems that we have an epidemic going on in Afrikan centered circles All across the diaspora where we are promoting the development of ANY type of Afrikan union to the DETRIMENT of Our children. It’s Protection of the Watoto first family not “Get a man….Keep a man” first. Don’t get it TWISTED and spread the word so we can correct this wrong thinking and return stability to our families once again! Abibifahodie!!

Sista Kentake.

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5 Responses to ““Get a Man, Keep a Man”? or “Protection of the watoto”? Which one is primary?”

  1. excellent analysis. 100% agree that a healthy relationship and healthy family unit should be the basis of any union between men n women.

  2. This is a powerful share. In these crazy times many sistars are in relationships that aren’t what they deserve or imagined. An ex of mine once told me he would never “bow down” to or “beg” a woman for anything as long as the ratio of 6 women to 1 man exists. So sistars, look out for those types of brothers who don’t respect women because there are so many of us we can be changed like dirty socks. Those are not the type of men we want in our villages but they do exist. If the village is healthier than the sick few then it will still thrive. But if there are more sick people than well ones then the village will be contaminated and will also poison the children, abantwana.

    Those who just take whomever whenever end up having to learn lessons they could have spared themselves but everything happens for a reason. In the process the children are often compromised. Learning to love and value ourselves is the key and that’s what our children need to see so they grow up knowing they shouldn’t accept or give themselves to anybody.

    We seldom talk about the impact of growing up without fathers when it comes to girls but this is HUGE! Fathers teach us to value ourselves, to not settle of just anybody and they shield us. They know how men think and therefore play an important role in reviewing our choices to see if they are the best not just for us but for the entire family & community.
    Without fathers sistars are vulnerable and often make unhealthy choices.
    We should make use of our elders and have discussions with them about relationships. I could go on and on but I’ll stop here for now.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

    In love of Afrika!

    Yolisa

  3. You are on point Sis! Our youth are our priority and ever since we (the Afrikan Collective) put otherS before our youth we have been in this mess! I sat and listened to several young Afrikan Sistah’s Wednesday talk about their friends and peers murdered senselessly on the streets, if our priorities were in order our ancestors would be mostly elders instead of youth! WE WILL DO BETTER WE HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE!!

  4. i thank you ASANTESANA for always touching subjects that are near to our solutions!

    i was recently invited to a church -i went with 1 of my children (and i do not wear my wedding ring (lost weight) :-)). a married brother kept turning around looking at me like, “i know she want this!”, meaning his situation…..a pregnant wife and children, instead of listening to his pastor…. but truthfully the sermon was not what the black community needed to hear any way! (that’s another subject!.)….that was me experiencing a slice of the insult that single mothers like my mother, experience! shame on us! for making anyone think that they are unworthy!

    as a married woman, single woman sometimes communicate, indirectly, that “she married, he must treat her like she a fool!, cause we all know, aint no good men out there!” that is a slice of the insults i observe.

    i thank God for my children and my husband- this is why i ignore singles and some married folks- cause the level of competition motivated by who we think we are cause we have a mate or not , is deadly! i hate that i have to withdraw but it serves me well, often! the other competition involves whether i can parent or not, or again, who she think she is….”making lunch for her kids….like they different” or “why she aint vegan?” you mentioned that we cant care what people think but, black people take relationships VERY seriously! we rather have a slew of friends who love mediocrity than to encourage lovingly one who wants to improve in anyway. it is partly our way of protecting each other form the disappointments that we secretly expect for another.

    i know it seems like i am off topic a bit, but like many of us im frustrated about how ALL of our relationships are suffering and affect the relationships we choose, that then affect the circumstance under which our children are raised! of course you shouldn’t accept any man or woman! and of course the watoto are our first concern. you’d be amazed at how your love for someone could grow, just because your perspective on what actually matters changed! i urge our men and women to start to look at potential mates, or the people that you think your choosing to be attracted to through the eyes of someone that is concerned first about the children! remembering that our appetites are being dictated to us…… what to eat, who to like, what determines good sex, who is pretty who got swag. Re evalute our understanding of God consciousness. cause we can not find peace without God being at the head of our thoughts. we may have to sacrifice perfection (someone that reminds you of a celebrity) in a mate, so that the next generation can have a chance coming from a foundation where men and women….uncles etc. are involved. we all have to tweak our mates a bit! cause our circumstances have received MUCH interference and are spose to fail!!! so we MUST BE WARRIORS IN LOVE. WE MUST MAKE BLACK LOVE AND THE BLACK CHILD’S SELF PERCEPTION OUR MINISTRY! so obviously if keeping him puts your child at risk, he’s gotto go!!!! that is just toooooo scary! i’d rather be alone and celibate! the bible says God’s love constantly persues you! BELIEVE IT! GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU the quran say some himagine an evil opinion of God! but dont rrealize it! i thought i deserved suffering! that is a lie!!!!! listen to all the lyrics of AMAZING GRACE! it is the truth!

    • Mo dupe pupo (thank you very much) for sharing your personal experience and insight sis! It is crucial that we put Our children first in all decisions and affirm the vital importance they play in the process of family development. This ancestral truth must be shared with everyone that comes in our path! You are appreciated and surely you are being guided by your Egun (elevated ancestors)!! Ase ooo.

      Sista Kentake.


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